1 month and 11 days

I did what I can to stop checking his status. I turned off the last seen function on both whatsapp and telegram. Even if I want to check on him, I can't. This was really effective. I haven't been checking on him after I did that. However, recently I went to turn on the function just so that I can check on him. I thought it's been 3 weeks, checking him a bit wouldn't hurt right? I was wrong. When I saw his last seen on Telegram on a certain day and the time he was last seen, I started to have wild thoughts. His last seen was at 5AM plus. That's the time he woke up. If he checked his Telegram the first thing he woke up, could it be he was thinking of me? That's the first thing that came to my mind....thereafter, I checked this last seen again almost everyday until today. It remained as of that day. He didn't check Telegram for 4 days already. It just proved me wrong isn't it? He didn't think about me. Most probably he opened the app because someone in his contact created a Telegram account and he got a notification. There's really no point for me to check on him anymore. There's no reason for me to do that. So what if he opened the app? I will never ever know why he did that. I will never ever know if he was thinking about me. Why would he think about me? There's no reason for him to do that...

I went to find some photos today and I came across the album of our bali trip. I opened up the album and went through some videos. It brought back a lot of memories. Videos really capture a lot more than photos. I'm so glad for all these videos. I get to see him and even hear his voice. I smiled and laughed after looking at a few videos. The photos were all nicely taken. Our couple shots / selfies....both of us were so happy. We look so compatible. I don't understand why he chose not continue this relationship with me. Even though he gave me 5 reasons why he doesn't think our relationship will work....I still don't really understand. It's not that I do not accept, it's more like these are not really problems that cannot be resolved. Yes, that's just my understanding / point of view. As per my friend, it could be that he doesn't want to deal with these problems? It could be that he doesn't want to use my solution to resolve these problems? Most importantly, if he chose not to resolve it or work it out with me, I can't control that. I can't force it down on him. It's his choice. He doesn't want to choose me anymore. After 1.5 years, he decided not to choose me any more. I am no longer his constant choice. He prefers to find someone else instead. Hence he started using dating apps, just 2 weeks after we broke up. 

Since he is single now, there's nothing wrong with him using dating apps. However, I felt so sad when I saw his profile. He actually used photos I took for him during our dates for his profiles. Out of 5 photos, 4 photos were photos I took for him. One of them was taken during our bali trip and one of them was the photos we took on the day we got together. Those were memories we had together, wouldn't he think of me when he saw those photos? If he doesn't have any feelings after looking at those photos, it just show that he has moved on. If this is the truth, it's a hard truth. I feel like the knife in my heart was being pulled out and stabbed in even deeper into my heart again. It made me wonder, what's the 1.5 years we had together? It's basically nothing to him now. 

I really want to know:

1) Did he really move on? 

2) Did he really forget about me and didn't think about me at all?

3) Why doesn't he want to work it out with me? 

4) Why didn't he give me a chance to work out the relationship with him? 

5) He took a leap of faith to start a relationship with me and it lasted for 1.5 years, why didn't he continue that leap of faith to continue the relationship with me? 

6) Did I really hurt him with my words? Yes, it was my honest thoughts but I never had the intention to hurt him at all. It was never my intention to destroy him. I used the word "destroy" because he actually used the example of him two-timing to tell me that's exactly how he felt when the quarrel happened. He doesn't think he can forgive / forget this easily. 

I have never thought the quarrel was so serious to him. I thought it would just be another quarrel and we would patch up. That didn't happen. I have never thought that he will initiate a break up with me. It has never came across my mind he would not "choose me" anymore. That came so sudden and I felt like I was abandoned. I have never expect he will do such a thing to me. If something serious happened and we have a problem, I can understand why he abandon me. But now, at least for me, it's not the case. I don't understand why and I will never understand why. I always think back and have lots of "what if".

What if that day I choose to not say anything, would we end up with a break up? 

What if that day I choose to stop the quarrel and patch things up first, would we end up with a break up?

What if that day I wasn't feeling emotionally unstable, I wouldn't explode and we will not end up with a break up?

...

...

...

I know, no matter how many "what if", I will not have any answer to them.

The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. Is there really a need to do that?

He could have moved on and living his life happily while here I am, typing this post away and tearing up. I should start to move on and not stay at this point right? 

I know I should move on...it's just tough. I can't leave the 1.5 years of memories and erase him out of my brain with just a snap of my fingers. 

My cousin told me about her story and hers chased her back 2 months after the breakup. She told me, give him 3 months. If he didn't do anything, then just forget about him. I know I shouldn't take her words seriously. It's just that a real life example is right in front of me and I just can't ignore this possibility? It's a hope that makes me happy but troubled at the same time. Whatever it is, I should not take this seriously and have hope. It is not going to do any good for me. 

I am blessed with supportive family and friends to help me get through this. Having said that, I know it's up to myself to stand up and move on. To learn from this pain and move on. To become better and move on. Shi Hui you can do this! You can.

Whenever you feel the pain, recite:

"This too shall pass" 

"This too shall pass" 

"This too shall pass"

因該就不會那麼痛了。

二零二零年二月十一日

二零二零年二月十一日 - 是我人生最痛苦的一天。

這是我第一次遇到這種傷痛。
心真的很痛很痛。
胸口很悶，簡直不能呼吸的感覺。
做什麼事都不能開心起來。
仲覺得，人生好像少的什麼。

我也許有錯，但至少有個機會吧？有個機會彌補過錯？
我也知道，不是什麼事都有第二次機會的。
所以，從這次的經驗，我學到，說什麼，做什麼，真的要想一想。
想一想對方會不會受傷？
想一想說的話會傷到其他人嗎？
想一想說這些話，值得嗎？

如果是氣頭上的話，是不是不說會比較好一點？
說的話就像潑出去的水一樣，是收不回來的。

我從中也學習到，一些人有可能需要多一點時間想通一些事。
不需要每一次要其他人馬上給你個交代。
你能給予他的是空間，去想想，去思考，這樣才能好好的和你說話或討論。
你要學習怎樣不那麼急躁。
也要學著怎樣不把工作的不愉快帶回家。
這樣，心情會好一些。那就不會那麼急躁了。

最後，從這件事看來，我也學到不管碰到什麼困難，都要勇敢面對。
不管有多難，有多辛苦，也一定要勇敢面對。
就算問題不能解決，如果身邊有人願意合你分擔，那是件幸福的事。
也許有人陪，那就不會那麼害怕或困擾了？
但如果你把他們推開，不願意接受他們來和你分擔的話，那就自己勇敢面對。
這樣才能對得起自己，也對得起對你有期望的人。

逃避不能解決問題。
逃得了一時，逃不了一世。

Disagreement

I don't have much friends. Each friendship to me is really precious and I cherish them a lot.

Recently, I had a disagreement with a friend of mine. 

We have different view on this matter. 

Different people have different view on each matter. It is not surprising that we have disagreement for such a matter. I totally understand where she is coming from but I am not very sure if she is though. Maybe she is but again, taking it too harshly already?

To me, to have disagreement is unavoidable. No two person in this world will have views that are 100% in tandem with each other. Even if there is, I think it will only reach 99.99999999999999999%, it will never be a 100%. This is absolutely acceptable. What's more important is, whether you can accept your friend who he or she is. If you can, then it wouldn't be a problem at all. However, there are limits to everything. If one crosses that limit, I think it is good to talk it out and tell each other where is the line? Even couples/husband and wife talk it out, friends can do that too isn't it?

I think we need some time to cool down and maybe find a day to talk it out. It is really a small matter. Really small. I guess we have our principles and therefore it deteriorate to such a stage? 

I don't want her to be affected and unhappy about this matter. Neither do I want myself to be kept being bothered by this. We have to sort it out once and for all. It is really not very good for our mental health. I guess because we really treat each other as friends that's why we are so affected? 

I shall see how it goes. 

Friends do not come by easy. 

She is a close friend of mine too. 

I will have to try my best to mend this friendship that I might have destroyed it with my own hands.

It was due to my straight thinking - being very real and facing the reality? 

This is me and I just cannot help it. 

Does that mean that I should change? Maybe. 

Booklist

Now that I have started working, there is no need for me to do homework, study for exams or tests, I realised that I have more time for myself. I decided to pick up reading. I hope by reading, I will be able to improve my English language.

Here's a list of the books that I have finished reading and I will be updating this list here as and when I have finished a book.

10/06/2015: 木偶商店 - 辛欣
02/07/2015: The Notebook: A Novel - Nicholas Sparks
21/11/2016: Paper Towns - John Green
26/12/2016: Looking for Alaska - John Green
03/01/2017: An Abundance of Katherines - John Green

First blogpost after a year

My last post was on boxing day in 2015.

Today is 4 February 2017. It's been a year since my last post and it's great to look back at these posts. For example, the post on my first TGIF after I have started working back then. It really brings back memories. My learning stage as a newbie then after that it's my turn to teach the newbies. Until now, I am doing a totally different role in the team that I never thought I will be doing.

Here are my experiences I had thus far:

Sep 2014 - Sep 2015

1. Started off as an verifier for applications 
2. Worked on budgeting for 1 programme
3. Person in charge for managing a lettershopping vendor 
4. Moved on to an approver for applications 
5. Team combined with another programme and therefore started budgeting for his programme too
6. Worked on streamlining of processes to align both programmes
7. Became the secretariat of an upcoming conference in 2018. Started initial planning and researching issues for budget. 

Sep 2015 - Sep 2016 

1. Worked on risk management due to the amount of confidential and personal data we handle on a daily basis
2. Company took over another programme and therefore started budgeting for this programme as well
3. On top of being an approver, I became the disbursement officer for one of the 3 programmes that we are administering. Disbursement officer jobs includes checking of the payment list to ensure payment is in order very month, generating statistics pertaining to the programme when requested, providing statistics for reporting etc. 
4. Worked on fraud risk management as I had the experience with risk management previously 
5. Became the secretariat/collator for FASA workgroup. 
6. Due to streamlining of processes for the 3 programmes, the 3 SOPs are to be integrated. Started the work on combining the 3 SOPs into 1 Integrated SOP. 
7. Company has launched company wide Information Management Policy (IMP). Divisions manage different types of confidential data hence are to come up with their very own IMP, specific to each divisions. Started work to write out our department's IMP. 

Sep 2016 - current 

1. Continuing my disbursement officer role, working on the Integrated SOP, IMP, budgeting issues, FASA. 
2. Handing over my managing of lettershopping vendor role to my colleague
3. Coaching of another colleague to learn the disbursement role for the programme that I am doing every month. He will be my covering and most likely take over this piece if I were to move on with some other projects.

Ever since I entered into the working society, I learnt so much. A lot or even all of the things I learnt are things that I don't get to learn in school. I am only in my 2nd year and counting into my working life hence I still have a long way to go. I guess what I should start thinking now is.....what do I actually love doing and should start planning my next steps. 

What is important to me at work:

1. Working with numbers. For my disbursement officer role, I get to generate statistics hence numbers come into the pictures. Similarly for budgeting, I get to work with numbers too. I think that my love for numbers is still there. 
2. Do meaningful work. My current work provides elderly patients with financial assistance. Although I don't get to see the patients benefiting from the financial aid directly, I personally still feel that it is meaningful. I applied for financial aid when I was in university. The amount of money I got is substantial and really helped me a lot. Medical expenses in Singapore is really expensive so even a hundred dollar payout each month does make a difference to each of them too.
3. Working with nice, friendly and funny colleagues. Colleagues play a huge part here because I face them 8 hours or more, for 5 days a week! It would be really boring to be just working and not have anyone to interact and have fun with. I know I am quiet and may not be talking a lot. However, I am still someone who wish to have someone to talk to. Just to have a break from work, talk about anything under the sun. 
4. Teaching anyone at work. I love to teach anyone who yearns to learn anything from me. I like to teach what I know to people so that they can learn and not make the same mistakes that I did. I guess that's why I wanted to be a teacher at the start? 
5. Having opportunities to work on new projects and therefore be able to learn new knowledge. This is really important to me as I will get tired and bored of routine jobs. I am glad that my bosses gave me opportunities to work on so many different projects. They really exposed me to different kind of work and through these, I gained a lot of knowledge and experience in working with different kind of people too. 
6. Having work life balance. I think I have a good work life balance currently. I have a habit of completing my work before I leave or solve a certain problem that I encountered instead of leaving it for another time. I predict that this habit of mine might lead to me not having a work life balance. On days with tight deadlines I worked really hard. I worked overtime till 10pm in office and continue my work till 2 am to complete what I need to do. I have to do that because of my deadlines. I felt so tired after that. I was mentally and physically tired. I don't feel very good after working so hard. Therefore I having work life balance is important for me because I really don't want to put myself in that kind of situation again, unless it is necessary. 

That's all I can think of right now. I think it's good for me to blog about my thoughts at the different stage of my life. In future, I can look back and therefore do some comparison and reflection. I will try my best to take some time to jot down my thoughts here more often. :)

人生。

真真假假，假假真真。
我看到的一面，並非是其他人看到的。
其他人看到的一面，並非是我看到的。

對我而言，能用一顆很真誠的心去對待每一個人是非常重要的。
如果這個人能感受到我的真誠，那他也會用一顆真誠的心來對待我吧？
這就跟得到尊重是一樣的道理。
如果要得到其他人的尊重，你必須先尊重他。
但是事實是如此嗎？我看未必。

有人說，我這種想法太天真了。
有人說，我這樣的想法已絕種了。
有人說，我不能這樣想，因為我根本沒在保護我自己。
有人說，我該學學怎樣看人，不然被利用了或吃了虧，都不知道。

如果對待每個人都要多看，多想，多疑，那做人不是很辛苦嗎？
在日常生活中，我們已經有很多要想，要顧慮的了。
我們已經是有夠忙的了，如果還是要用一顆疑心去對待，去認識一個人的話，那不是更忙嗎？
為甚麼就不能簡簡單單對待人事物呢？

俗話說的好，還是做小孩最好，什麼都不用顧慮，沒事麼可煩惱的。
就開開心心的玩，鬧，哭，笑，過著很單純的童年。
長大了，事情會越變越複雜，會有很多煩惱。
而這些事情和煩惱，不是說出來就能解決的。
很多時候，說出來只是會有多一個人能分擔煩惱。
到最後，我們還是要自己面對，做出選擇。
如果做了對的選擇，那就皆大歡喜。
這會是一個很好的經驗和回憶。
如果做了錯的選擇，那必須承受後果，負責任。
這有可能會改變命運或生活。
有可能還會跌倒谷底，需要很長的時間爭做起來。也有可能，再也站不起來了。
這就是大人的世界嗎？

大人的世界，就是這麼複雜，這麼殘酷。
再也不像在學校裡，如果做錯事，學校和老師都會很仁慈地給學生改過的機會。
在大人的世界，如果做錯事，事情非同小可，會很嚴重地看待。
不會因為是新人或者沒有經驗而讓事情待過。
每做錯一件事，就會被列入黑名單。必須要很努力才能在得到領導的信任。
而且，不是每一位領導都會再給你機會的。
現實是殘酷的，如果失去這次的機會，一定會有人取代你，得到這機會。
如果要再有另一個機會，你必須要很努力，永不放棄，做好準備。
如果幸運的話，出現在對的時間，地方，機會就會再次降臨到你的面前。
在這時刻，你必須要已做好準備，把握機會，展出本領，發光發熱。

所謂，機會是給做好準備的人。不要因為沒有其會展現自己而感到氣餒。
只要你一直很努力，做對得起你自己的事。。。
你周圍的人一定會看得到。
你的領導一定會看得到。
老天爺一定會看到。

只要永不放棄，以一顆真誠的心對待任何人事物，好的事情一定會發生在你的身上。
即使沒有好的事情，壞的事情也絕對不會發生。
但如果好的不靈壞的靈呢？
那就要勇敢地接受，勇敢地去面對。
不管是好事還是壞事，每一件事情發生，都有它的理由。
只要我們勇敢地去面對，往好的方面去想，去解決問題。
不管再大，再難的問題都會迎刃而解。
只要過的這一關，就會海闊天空！

人生，不會是一帆風順的。
一帆風順的人生，不叫做人生。
人生，就是有起有落。
在起的時候，盡情的去享受開心，勝利的時光。
再落的時候，要坦然和勇敢地去面對。把失敗當作是一個學習的過程。
爭做起來後，就勇往直前，把失敗牢牢記住，不再重蹈覆轍。

這樣的人生，才多姿多彩。
這，才叫做，人生。

Thoughts

"寧願在年輕的時候失敗很多次，

都不要在年輕的時候就成功一次。"

-权怡凤，《今天我代班》