I did what I can to stop checking his status. I turned off the last seen function on both whatsapp and telegram. Even if I want to check on him, I can't. This was really effective. I haven't been checking on him after I did that. However, recently I went to turn on the function just so that I can check on him. I thought it's been 3 weeks, checking him a bit wouldn't hurt right? I was wrong. When I saw his last seen on Telegram on a certain day and the time he was last seen, I started to have wild thoughts. His last seen was at 5AM plus. That's the time he woke up. If he checked his Telegram the first thing he woke up, could it be he was thinking of me? That's the first thing that came to my mind....thereafter, I checked this last seen again almost everyday until today. It remained as of that day. He didn't check Telegram for 4 days already. It just proved me wrong isn't it? He didn't think about me. Most probably he opened the app because someone in his contact created a Telegram account and he got a notification. There's really no point for me to check on him anymore. There's no reason for me to do that. So what if he opened the app? I will never ever know why he did that. I will never ever know if he was thinking about me. Why would he think about me? There's no reason for him to do that...
I went to find some photos today and I came across the album of our bali trip. I opened up the album and went through some videos. It brought back a lot of memories. Videos really capture a lot more than photos. I'm so glad for all these videos. I get to see him and even hear his voice. I smiled and laughed after looking at a few videos. The photos were all nicely taken. Our couple shots / selfies....both of us were so happy. We look so compatible. I don't understand why he chose not continue this relationship with me. Even though he gave me 5 reasons why he doesn't think our relationship will work....I still don't really understand. It's not that I do not accept, it's more like these are not really problems that cannot be resolved. Yes, that's just my understanding / point of view. As per my friend, it could be that he doesn't want to deal with these problems? It could be that he doesn't want to use my solution to resolve these problems? Most importantly, if he chose not to resolve it or work it out with me, I can't control that. I can't force it down on him. It's his choice. He doesn't want to choose me anymore. After 1.5 years, he decided not to choose me any more. I am no longer his constant choice. He prefers to find someone else instead. Hence he started using dating apps, just 2 weeks after we broke up.
Since he is single now, there's nothing wrong with him using dating apps. However, I felt so sad when I saw his profile. He actually used photos I took for him during our dates for his profiles. Out of 5 photos, 4 photos were photos I took for him. One of them was taken during our bali trip and one of them was the photos we took on the day we got together. Those were memories we had together, wouldn't he think of me when he saw those photos? If he doesn't have any feelings after looking at those photos, it just show that he has moved on. If this is the truth, it's a hard truth. I feel like the knife in my heart was being pulled out and stabbed in even deeper into my heart again. It made me wonder, what's the 1.5 years we had together? It's basically nothing to him now.
I really want to know:
1) Did he really move on?
2) Did he really forget about me and didn't think about me at all?
3) Why doesn't he want to work it out with me?
4) Why didn't he give me a chance to work out the relationship with him?
5) He took a leap of faith to start a relationship with me and it lasted for 1.5 years, why didn't he continue that leap of faith to continue the relationship with me?
6) Did I really hurt him with my words? Yes, it was my honest thoughts but I never had the intention to hurt him at all. It was never my intention to destroy him. I used the word "destroy" because he actually used the example of him two-timing to tell me that's exactly how he felt when the quarrel happened. He doesn't think he can forgive / forget this easily.
I have never thought the quarrel was so serious to him. I thought it would just be another quarrel and we would patch up. That didn't happen. I have never thought that he will initiate a break up with me. It has never came across my mind he would not "choose me" anymore. That came so sudden and I felt like I was abandoned. I have never expect he will do such a thing to me. If something serious happened and we have a problem, I can understand why he abandon me. But now, at least for me, it's not the case. I don't understand why and I will never understand why. I always think back and have lots of "what if".
What if that day I choose to not say anything, would we end up with a break up?
What if that day I choose to stop the quarrel and patch things up first, would we end up with a break up?
What if that day I wasn't feeling emotionally unstable, I wouldn't explode and we will not end up with a break up?
...
...
...
I know, no matter how many "what if", I will not have any answer to them.
The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. Is there really a need to do that?
He could have moved on and living his life happily while here I am, typing this post away and tearing up. I should start to move on and not stay at this point right?
I know I should move on...it's just tough. I can't leave the 1.5 years of memories and erase him out of my brain with just a snap of my fingers.
My cousin told me about her story and hers chased her back 2 months after the breakup. She told me, give him 3 months. If he didn't do anything, then just forget about him. I know I shouldn't take her words seriously. It's just that a real life example is right in front of me and I just can't ignore this possibility? It's a hope that makes me happy but troubled at the same time. Whatever it is, I should not take this seriously and have hope. It is not going to do any good for me.
I am blessed with supportive family and friends to help me get through this. Having said that, I know it's up to myself to stand up and move on. To learn from this pain and move on. To become better and move on. Shi Hui you can do this! You can.
Whenever you feel the pain, recite:
"This too shall pass"
"This too shall pass"
"This too shall pass"
因該就不會那麼痛了。
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