2 months and 16 days

周興哲 - 我很快樂

作詞：周興哲 / 吳易緯
作曲：周興哲
專輯：小時候的我們

雷雨依舊 奔跑著
世界像你 模糊停格
總以為能 永遠愛著
時間 卻幫我們上了一課

路 無法倒退
我 錯過機會

我說著 我很快樂 我無所謂
你最懂我的 為你付出 我不後悔
只要你過得好 我不一定 需要擁有
你說要自由 我沒理由 不讓你走

說真的 我很快樂 為你流淚
你找到你的 幸福快樂 就不浪費
要犯過多少錯 終於懂得 愛是什麼
遺憾有多好 愛過的人忘不掉

越努力愛 一個人
越想割捨 越捨不得
總以為能 失而復得
你卻 有更好的未來等著

我 一定成全
我 微笑告別

說真的 我很快樂 為你流淚
你找到你的 幸福快樂 就不浪費
要犯過多少錯 終於懂得 愛是什麼
遺憾有多好 愛過的人忘不掉

我說著 我很快樂 我無所謂
你最懂我的 為你付出 我不後悔
只要你過得好 我不一定 需要擁有
你說要自由 我沒理由 不讓你走

說真的 我很快樂 為你流淚
你找到你的 幸福快樂 就不浪費
多幸運能遇到 最懷念的 你的擁抱
遺憾有多好 愛過的人忘不掉

Source: https://www.lyricsasia.com/2020/01/wo-hen-kuai-le.html

I have been listening to this song for the whole of this weekend.
I want to move on and be happy.
I want him to be happy, so I let him go.
Since that's what he wants.

雖然不能在一起，但我還是希望他能找到屬於他的幸福。
我也是。我也要得到屬於我自己的幸福。
我會每天祈禱，祈禱有一天能找到我的幸福。
也為他祈禱。
因為他是我愛過的人，真心的想要他幸福。

Today is also the day that I decided to delete our conversation and I deleted for the both of us. 
If he didn't delete our conversation, he would be surprised why the conversation went missing. 
That could be my wishful thinking. He might have already deleted it for himself. 
Whatever it is, I have to let go of the past, the pain and move on. 
I shall keep this memory by archiving them in my long term memory.

Whatever I went through, happened for a reason.
I faced it, accepted it, learnt from it and moved on.
I will turned out to be a better person.
C'est la vie.

2 Months and 9 Days

I suddenly realised the reason that I might not be able to move on and stop thinking could be due to...
...I might still not be able to accept...
...That my choice is wrong.

I guess I really went through thoroughly with myself if I am ready to accept him for who he is and abel to accept him wholeheartedly seriously.
I guess that's the reason why I do not want to change my choice?
I do not see what's wrong with my choice. I don't feel that my choice is wrong.

Having said that, even if I do not think I made the wrong choice...maybe he doesn't think the same way too. You need 2 persons to work together in a relationship. No matter how much I think I made the right choice, if he doesn't think I am the right person for him, it doesn't change anything.

I can't change him,
I can't force him to accept or choose me.
There is nothing I can do. Given the fact that he wants to cut me off.

As time passes, I guess I will slowly realised that there is no point to still keep him in my heart.
Because it's pointless and useless.
The amount of effort and time I spent thinking about him now...he wouldn't know and wouldn't care at all. I know what I am doing now is redundant but I just can't help it.
I just need to grieve now. Do what I want to do. I guess it helps in healing.

Time will heal me.
Slowly but surely.

2 months and 1 day

It's true that this 2nd month is better. 

I find myself not feeling as down as before. 

I do not have much breakdown sessions as much as before. 

I guess I am better than before? Slowly healing. 

In addition, the painful feeling and the feeling of missing him are not that strong. 

It's still there but not as intense. 

That brings me to my next baby step. 

I have downloaded the app that brought us together. 

I was determined and successfully "unmatched" him. 

I no longer can see his profile or whether is he online on that app now.

Our first conversation is gone too. 

It's a good for me to restart everything. 

I have a plan to slowly remove him out of my life. 

Get rid of our conversations...

Get rid of his mum contact number...

Lastly, get rid of his contact number...

This way, I will never know when he comes online, what time did he sleep, was he chatting with someone else on whatsapp / telegram...

Even though I know all these doesn't matter to me anymore, somehow, I will still go check him out since it's within my reach. 

I guess I still have hope?

I hope that he would regret what he did. 

I hope we could be like what we were before the breakup.

1 month and 27 days

I feel that the 2nd month passed by faster.
I don’t feel as bad as the 1st month.
I really do hope that I truly feel that I am much better.
It’s not that I have hidden the bad feelings away hence thought I was better.

People always tell me that there will be someone out there who is better and is the right one for you.
I feel that it’s very hard for me to believe this statement is true.
I just feel that he was the one and I never want anyone else except him.
Even though he’s not perfect, but I am satisfied with him and he is perfect for me.
That could be the reason why I just don’t think anyone will be better than him, for me.
How is this going to happen? Time will heal everything, including this?

Even though I don’t feel the pain. I still have this question in my mind...
...like why wouldn’t he choose me.
I know I will never get the answer I need...
Or even if I actually have the answer already, my mind still choose not to accept it.
Not sure how do I even change this mindset. Time will heal everything, including this?

I have never asked for more.
I have never asked much.
All I wanted was someone who loves me for who I am, care for me and someone whom I can depend on. I don’t think I am asking for a lot?
Why is it so difficult to find someone like that?
Why do I have to go through all the pain that I have been through?
What went wrong?
What did I do and end myself up like that?
Could someone enlighten me?