1 month and 16 days

One moment, I thought I was fine.
The next moment, tears started to roll down on my face.

I really miss him. I really do.
Despite what we went through, why do I still miss him?
It’s because I love him. I still do.

Each time I think back what has happened, I will ask myself...
Why did he choose to give up?
Why did he not choose me again?
Why did he not make me his constant choice?
Why didn’t he want to work things out with me?

He had a choice...and he chose to leave.

Maybe he thinks that he could find someone better out there.
Maybe he’s tired of trying and doesn’t want to do it anymore.
Maybe he doesn’t love me as much? Hence he could give up this relationship so easily.

Was our relationship a difficult one? I don’t think so.
Was our relationship a complicated one? I don’t think so.

If he didn’t love me as much, why did he even start the relationship?
Why did he even take this leap of faith in the first place?
Did he start this relationship just for fun?
If not, why didn’t he fight for me or for this relationship?

I’m so broken.
I’m not sure what to do.
All I want is to love someone, to be loved.
To find a soulmate and lead a simple and happy life.
Why is this so difficult?
I am not asking for a lot...

What should I do to recover from this heartache?

1 month and 11 days

I did what I can to stop checking his status. I turned off the last seen function on both whatsapp and telegram. Even if I want to check on him, I can't. This was really effective. I haven't been checking on him after I did that. However, recently I went to turn on the function just so that I can check on him. I thought it's been 3 weeks, checking him a bit wouldn't hurt right? I was wrong. When I saw his last seen on Telegram on a certain day and the time he was last seen, I started to have wild thoughts. His last seen was at 5AM plus. That's the time he woke up. If he checked his Telegram the first thing he woke up, could it be he was thinking of me? That's the first thing that came to my mind....thereafter, I checked this last seen again almost everyday until today. It remained as of that day. He didn't check Telegram for 4 days already. It just proved me wrong isn't it? He didn't think about me. Most probably he opened the app because someone in his contact created a Telegram account and he got a notification. There's really no point for me to check on him anymore. There's no reason for me to do that. So what if he opened the app? I will never ever know why he did that. I will never ever know if he was thinking about me. Why would he think about me? There's no reason for him to do that...

I went to find some photos today and I came across the album of our bali trip. I opened up the album and went through some videos. It brought back a lot of memories. Videos really capture a lot more than photos. I'm so glad for all these videos. I get to see him and even hear his voice. I smiled and laughed after looking at a few videos. The photos were all nicely taken. Our couple shots / selfies....both of us were so happy. We look so compatible. I don't understand why he chose not continue this relationship with me. Even though he gave me 5 reasons why he doesn't think our relationship will work....I still don't really understand. It's not that I do not accept, it's more like these are not really problems that cannot be resolved. Yes, that's just my understanding / point of view. As per my friend, it could be that he doesn't want to deal with these problems? It could be that he doesn't want to use my solution to resolve these problems? Most importantly, if he chose not to resolve it or work it out with me, I can't control that. I can't force it down on him. It's his choice. He doesn't want to choose me anymore. After 1.5 years, he decided not to choose me any more. I am no longer his constant choice. He prefers to find someone else instead. Hence he started using dating apps, just 2 weeks after we broke up. 

Since he is single now, there's nothing wrong with him using dating apps. However, I felt so sad when I saw his profile. He actually used photos I took for him during our dates for his profiles. Out of 5 photos, 4 photos were photos I took for him. One of them was taken during our bali trip and one of them was the photos we took on the day we got together. Those were memories we had together, wouldn't he think of me when he saw those photos? If he doesn't have any feelings after looking at those photos, it just show that he has moved on. If this is the truth, it's a hard truth. I feel like the knife in my heart was being pulled out and stabbed in even deeper into my heart again. It made me wonder, what's the 1.5 years we had together? It's basically nothing to him now. 

I really want to know:

1) Did he really move on? 

2) Did he really forget about me and didn't think about me at all?

3) Why doesn't he want to work it out with me? 

4) Why didn't he give me a chance to work out the relationship with him? 

5) He took a leap of faith to start a relationship with me and it lasted for 1.5 years, why didn't he continue that leap of faith to continue the relationship with me? 

6) Did I really hurt him with my words? Yes, it was my honest thoughts but I never had the intention to hurt him at all. It was never my intention to destroy him. I used the word "destroy" because he actually used the example of him two-timing to tell me that's exactly how he felt when the quarrel happened. He doesn't think he can forgive / forget this easily. 

I have never thought the quarrel was so serious to him. I thought it would just be another quarrel and we would patch up. That didn't happen. I have never thought that he will initiate a break up with me. It has never came across my mind he would not "choose me" anymore. That came so sudden and I felt like I was abandoned. I have never expect he will do such a thing to me. If something serious happened and we have a problem, I can understand why he abandon me. But now, at least for me, it's not the case. I don't understand why and I will never understand why. I always think back and have lots of "what if".

What if that day I choose to not say anything, would we end up with a break up? 

What if that day I choose to stop the quarrel and patch things up first, would we end up with a break up?

What if that day I wasn't feeling emotionally unstable, I wouldn't explode and we will not end up with a break up?

...

...

...

I know, no matter how many "what if", I will not have any answer to them.

The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. Is there really a need to do that?

He could have moved on and living his life happily while here I am, typing this post away and tearing up. I should start to move on and not stay at this point right? 

I know I should move on...it's just tough. I can't leave the 1.5 years of memories and erase him out of my brain with just a snap of my fingers. 

My cousin told me about her story and hers chased her back 2 months after the breakup. She told me, give him 3 months. If he didn't do anything, then just forget about him. I know I shouldn't take her words seriously. It's just that a real life example is right in front of me and I just can't ignore this possibility? It's a hope that makes me happy but troubled at the same time. Whatever it is, I should not take this seriously and have hope. It is not going to do any good for me. 

I am blessed with supportive family and friends to help me get through this. Having said that, I know it's up to myself to stand up and move on. To learn from this pain and move on. To become better and move on. Shi Hui you can do this! You can.

Whenever you feel the pain, recite:

"This too shall pass" 

"This too shall pass" 

"This too shall pass"

因該就不會那麼痛了。

二零二零年二月十一日

二零二零年二月十一日 - 是我人生最痛苦的一天。

這是我第一次遇到這種傷痛。
心真的很痛很痛。
胸口很悶，簡直不能呼吸的感覺。
做什麼事都不能開心起來。
仲覺得，人生好像少的什麼。

我也許有錯，但至少有個機會吧？有個機會彌補過錯？
我也知道，不是什麼事都有第二次機會的。
所以，從這次的經驗，我學到，說什麼，做什麼，真的要想一想。
想一想對方會不會受傷？
想一想說的話會傷到其他人嗎？
想一想說這些話，值得嗎？

如果是氣頭上的話，是不是不說會比較好一點？
說的話就像潑出去的水一樣，是收不回來的。

我從中也學習到，一些人有可能需要多一點時間想通一些事。
不需要每一次要其他人馬上給你個交代。
你能給予他的是空間，去想想，去思考，這樣才能好好的和你說話或討論。
你要學習怎樣不那麼急躁。
也要學著怎樣不把工作的不愉快帶回家。
這樣，心情會好一些。那就不會那麼急躁了。

最後，從這件事看來，我也學到不管碰到什麼困難，都要勇敢面對。
不管有多難，有多辛苦，也一定要勇敢面對。
就算問題不能解決，如果身邊有人願意合你分擔，那是件幸福的事。
也許有人陪，那就不會那麼害怕或困擾了？
但如果你把他們推開，不願意接受他們來和你分擔的話，那就自己勇敢面對。
這樣才能對得起自己，也對得起對你有期望的人。

逃避不能解決問題。
逃得了一時，逃不了一世。