Blessed

It's my 21st this year. I got presents from my family and friends, be it belated or not, it's the thought that counts. 

I hardly receive presents and so when I do, I'll be very happy about it, especially those which are nicely wrapped and I have no idea what's inside. Then I'll have this urge to rip the wrapper off but most of the time I wouldn't....hahaha

Anyway, this year, I received unexpected presents from my family members - grandma and uncle. 

Every year, during chinese new year, my grandma will prepare angbaos for all her grandchildren and give it their respective mums in advance. Then, the mums will give it out on behalf of my grandma on her grandchildren's birthdays. This year, I received one on my birthday and another one on in July. The reason is because it's my 21st, my grandma wanted me to have more. There's no way my mum or I can reject her angbao. She is kinda stubborn over these things. She's already so old and not working too but still gave me 2 angbaos. I just feel blessed for having my grandma around. 

She took care of me when I was young for the 1st year so that my mum can work. After that when my sister came along, my mum became a housewife and I was no longer taken care of by her. When I was young, friday nights are sleepovers at my grandma's house and I'll only leave after I had dinner on saturday. She'll buy breakfast for me and my siblings everyday saturday and prepare dinner for us. I created many childhood memories over at her house. My grandma is very loving to each and everyone of her grandchildren. This is why as I grow up, I also learnt how to cherish her. Although I don't know what kind of topics I can chat with her but I think buying something good for her to eat, visit her, help her when she needs help - carrying her groceries home for her if I'm out or even bring her to the hospital for checkups during my holidays since I'm free - are something I can do for her in return? I hope I can do more....I'm sure I can. 

Next, my uncle. My uncle and aunt gave me angbao too.....during their baby daughter's 1st birthday. It's the day which I should give something to my baby cousin's birthday which I didn't.......end up I got an angbao. My uncle and aunt knew about my 21st through my blog (I was surprised they read it! haha) and thus for the belated present. I was really surprised and again, feel so blessed. My uncle is a fun person whom I think is very knowledgeable and was someone whom I look up to since young. I get to see him everyday friday night at my grandma's house before he moved out. I still remember he was still studying late at night at a table full with books. I remember it so vividly because at that moment, I told myself I must be like him, study hard and be successful in life. I think he succeeded in his life. He got a stable job which he likes, loving wife with 2 cute and pretty kids, what's more to ask for? He's also the one to give my cousins and I advises about life since he's the youngest adult and thus able to click with us better? :D 

I just feel so blessed and I want to do more for my family. However, I look at myself. I'm in my last year for university already and my results is not good enough for me to go for honours. What's worse, I still dunno what I want to do after I graduate. What can I do with this degree? I heard that most jobs don't really look at which major are you in except those specialized ones. So....they will look at your qualities instead. *SIGH* My qualities? It's the worst of all. I have nothing to show people and stand out from others. My personality is kinda introvert, first impression left for people is normally quiet/solemn/fierce/unfriendly. I did try to change. Actually, I did change. I changed a lot when I was in sec 3 and 4. I was a lot more talkative to my classmates as I was the class chairperson when I was in sec 4. It was a turning point for me. When I think back now, I was so glad that my form teacher insisted to appoint me as the class chairperson as I was quite reluctant back then. I managed to stepped out of my comfort zone and *PROOF* a total new shihui. 

Now that no one is here to push me to step out more out of my comfort zone, I did try to push myself. I DID TRY and FAILED. I didn't try once, twice, thrice.....but MANY. I still can't work it out. I still can't be more cheerful and bubbly in front of strangers or new people. As in at least make them want to be my friend? Want to talk to me? *urgh* I tried. I failed. Conclusion: I can't. No choice, I have to accept it. This is why I'm so afraid what's going to happen to me when I enter the workforce. I don't even have good results to start with, what's more for qualities and personality? 

No matter what, it's my last year already. I have to make sure I make full use of it to prepare myself. Change for the better? I'll try. I'll try. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially my parents. I know they never expect A LOT from me which is  exactly the reason why I demand myself to do something for them in return.