Smoking

I grow up smelling the smoke from cigarette. This is because I have relatives who smoke and more importantly, my dad smokes. 

As I grow older, I become very irritated with the smell of the smoke. He doesn't smoke in front of me but when he smokes in the toilet, not only the toilet will smell but the whole house will smell. I get irritated by the smell and I really hate it. 

What's worst is, he not only smoke before he leaves the house for work and also before he sleeps. Can you imagine...I will wake up to this smell and end my day with this smell. 

Is it everyday? Yes, every morning I will smell it when I brush my teeth in the toilet.

Is it every night? Not really but he just smoked before he went to bed and I am still smelling the smoke even though I also closed the kitchen door to stop the smoke from diffusing to the living room where I am. 

I get that smoking is an addiction. He cannot stop and will not stop. He has been smoking since his teenage years so I doubt he will quit. Why can't he just be more considerate? His wife and children are not smokers but have to suffer and breathe in secondhand smoke which is even more harmful than primary smoke. 

I just googled, "Some of the health conditions caused by secondhand smoke in adults include coronary heart disease, stroke, and lung cancer." If I get such health conditions in future, I might know what's the cause of it then. 

I had a great public holiday today. I went out with my mum and brother for a movie at Vivo City and managed to dine out though we had to spilt into 2 tables. I enjoyed this simple day. What he just did just destroyed the day. I am really pissed off by the smell. I'm not sure how to think of this in a positive way such that I will not be affected by it. Every breath that I breathe in right now still have the smell of the smoke lingering. No longer at 100% but there's still a 20%. I still have to use the common toilet later before I head to bed.

How not to be affected by it? I have no idea and I think it's impossible to do it. I cannot control whether he smokes or not, but at the very least I do not want to smell it. Is this a lot to ask for?

1 year 5 months 5 days

It's exactly 1 month after my birthday. 

I came across 你的婚禮's theme song on YouTube. It reminded me that I watched this movie exactly 1 month ago. 

The theme song '不遺憾' is still not on Spotify...I wonder when it will be on Spotify so that I can listen to it when I workout. 

I watched the korean version of the movie on YouTube. I still find the China's version better. I felt the feelings of the lead actor and actress were more impactful as compared to the Korean version. I guess the theme songs helped to play a part as well. I have to say though, the scenes were really quite similar for both versions.

I do feel better. No longer tear up before I sleep. 

Time will heal everything, right? 

1 year 4 months 21 days

It's been a while since my last post. 

How have I been? I'm fine.

Am I still sad over it? I don't think I am. However, I feel that I am missing out on something. 

I feel that I am not happy with my life. 

I cannot feel much happiness in my life. 

I am not sure if it's due to the mundane life that I have right now...

Nothing special or interesting because I no longer go on holidays...

I just don't feel happy. 

I seem to be looking for something to fill up the emptiness I am feeling. 

Be it food. Be it activities. Be it a workout. 

They just don't fill up this emptiness that I have. 

I know it's my choice to be happy. 

It's entirely up to me. 

I did try my best to be happy but I just don't think I succeeded. 

Am I thinking too much?

5 months and 23 days

So someone I knew recently broke up. 

For her case, she went through a few broke up with the same guy. During the last breakup, she broke up with the same guy for 2 months and the guy decided to restart the relationship with her. Their relationship was great for the past one year. However, as they prepared to plan for their future like have a house and wedding, the guy suddenly felt that he could not accept certain parts of her. This made him realised that he cannot continue the relationship with her. This was a problem that he flagged up and raised to her but she can't help him to resolve this problem as the problem was her. That's when she decided that they really cannot continue this relationship. She was being so tired in the relationship and it's really not worth it. 

When a relationship comes to an end, there's definitely a reason behind it. If the relationship was that great, why would it have ended? When the relationship ended, should the couple reconsider to work on the relationship again? I think it is possible, provided that it's immediately after the breakup. If it's like this case, 2 months later, initially I thought it's still possible. I was happy when she told him that they decided to work things out again and that I saw their relationship seemed okay. I thought that she would have her "happily ever after" this time round. Never have I thought that she will face a breakup with the same guy, yet again. I thought that they been through so much to get together, why would they want to give up so easily again? Wouldn't they thought so clearly when they decide to get back together? If they decide to get back together, it should never end up with a failure again. I thought her relationship will tell me that miracle exists but now, I guess not. 

I know I shouldn't have any hope. I really don't have. 

It's just that question mark. It's still there. I don't really know what to do with it. 

Please, let time heal everything and take away or bury away this question for me. 

4 months and 10 days

The question that I have been thinking about is, 

Why did he choose to end it this way? 

The way he ended it was cowardly and disrespectful. 

It seems like I'm a nobody to him from the moment that he chose to give up. 

This is despite the times we had together. Those genuine moments and memories.

At least I was genuine, I'm not too sure about him. I would love to still trust him and believe him but as days passed by, I start to realise that maybe...just maybe...I don't really know him. The real him.

Whatever he did to me not only hurt me but I feel that it also gave me trauma. 

That's because whenever I think about it, I just felt so scared. 

When I think about...what if I were to bump into him on the streets? I only have one feeling and that's feeling scared. I don't really want to meet him and face the pain that he gave me. It's too painful. 

Maybe, just maybe, what I said to him also caused him pain and trauma hence he insisted not to deal with the issue with me and face me to end it.  

If that's the case, I guess I am just facing the karma that I should be getting. 

Whatever it is, I know I should move on. 

I should not be thinking about that question anymore and it doesn't do me any good. 

I will never have an answer to that question, so why bother and think about it? 

Shi Hui, look forward and move on. Since he didn't look back, you shouldn't be waiting anymore, you should move on and don't look back too. 

I spoke with a friend and mentioned that I might have some trauma due to this experience. She told me that it could be Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I read this up and feel that it could be...since it was indeed an unexpected event and it does cause me fear but not as intense. I wouldn't want this to get deteriorated though. I feel that with time, I will get better. I have to.  

4 months and 5 days

So yesterday, I waited for you.
I waited until 23:59...because I thought you will look back and that you regretted.
I thought you will make use of yesterday, my special day, to reach out to me.
I guess I was wrong. It was my only last hope. And it's gone.

It's time for me to really really really say goodbye to you.
In order to do that, I have to cut all ties with you, so that I could move on.
Without doing that, it will be very tough for me.
Since you don't even reach out to me as a friend, there's really no point keeping this "friend" status between us isn't it?
To be honest, there is no "friend" status to begin with.
What you said are lies. All lies.
If you don't regret choosing me and would choose me again, then why would everything end like that? That does not make any sense to me.

If I knew that it's this kind of ending, I wouldn't choose you again. I would rather spend the time with someone else who is willing to work things out and make things work. Not someone who doesn't even face his problems and deal with it. This is also why, I feel that you are quite scary.

I have never thought you are this kind of person. Never have I thought that I will expect such behaviours from you. Especially the part on not facing your problems and not dealing it with respect.
Now that I have seen your true colour, I would be worried if I'm your friends too. I wouldn't want a friend who doesn't even try to be responsible to the problems.

Since there is no friendship to begin with, "unfriend" you on all platforms is the way to go.
I no longer need to be bothered by the fact that you could see my updates.
I no longer need to think about what would you think about my updates.
There's just no need me to think about you again.

You are out of my life and that's the end for me.

Today is a brand new day. Shi Hui, you can do this.

2 months and 16 days

周興哲 - 我很快樂

作詞：周興哲 / 吳易緯
作曲：周興哲
專輯：小時候的我們

雷雨依舊 奔跑著
世界像你 模糊停格
總以為能 永遠愛著
時間 卻幫我們上了一課

路 無法倒退
我 錯過機會

我說著 我很快樂 我無所謂
你最懂我的 為你付出 我不後悔
只要你過得好 我不一定 需要擁有
你說要自由 我沒理由 不讓你走

說真的 我很快樂 為你流淚
你找到你的 幸福快樂 就不浪費
要犯過多少錯 終於懂得 愛是什麼
遺憾有多好 愛過的人忘不掉

越努力愛 一個人
越想割捨 越捨不得
總以為能 失而復得
你卻 有更好的未來等著

我 一定成全
我 微笑告別

說真的 我很快樂 為你流淚
你找到你的 幸福快樂 就不浪費
要犯過多少錯 終於懂得 愛是什麼
遺憾有多好 愛過的人忘不掉

我說著 我很快樂 我無所謂
你最懂我的 為你付出 我不後悔
只要你過得好 我不一定 需要擁有
你說要自由 我沒理由 不讓你走

說真的 我很快樂 為你流淚
你找到你的 幸福快樂 就不浪費
多幸運能遇到 最懷念的 你的擁抱
遺憾有多好 愛過的人忘不掉

Source: https://www.lyricsasia.com/2020/01/wo-hen-kuai-le.html

I have been listening to this song for the whole of this weekend.
I want to move on and be happy.
I want him to be happy, so I let him go.
Since that's what he wants.

雖然不能在一起，但我還是希望他能找到屬於他的幸福。
我也是。我也要得到屬於我自己的幸福。
我會每天祈禱，祈禱有一天能找到我的幸福。
也為他祈禱。
因為他是我愛過的人，真心的想要他幸福。

Today is also the day that I decided to delete our conversation and I deleted for the both of us. 
If he didn't delete our conversation, he would be surprised why the conversation went missing. 
That could be my wishful thinking. He might have already deleted it for himself. 
Whatever it is, I have to let go of the past, the pain and move on. 
I shall keep this memory by archiving them in my long term memory.

Whatever I went through, happened for a reason.
I faced it, accepted it, learnt from it and moved on.
I will turned out to be a better person.
C'est la vie.